In this seminar discussion, we look at the coping opportunities available to widows, widowers, orphans or those who recently lost their loved ones. Those who belong to these categories are like fish out of water. The Psalmist described their situations from his personal experience as one who is like “a Pelican in the Wilderness”- Ps. 102:6. A pelican is a water bird that feeds on fishes. It would be difficult for such a bird to dwell in the wilderness. It must adopt coping strategies to be able to stay alive, until probably it will be brought back to a riverside.
In the same way, widow/ers or orphans must, as a matter of necessity, avail themselves of the coping opportunities to be able to survive and stand to face the challenges of life. Except we want to deceive ourselves, things are no longer the same since we lost our loved ones. It is as if our lives have been placed out of order, distorted and scattered. Things are no longer the same again.
The responsibilities of your family being inadequately taken care of by two people are now being shouldered by one person alone. Has it been very easy? Then how do we cope?
DISCUSSION ON THE MINISTRY TO WIDOWHOOD
As a background to understanding the coping opportunities in widowhood, care must be taken to identify and discuss the various types of widowhood. The basis for this is that the coping strategies required by one widow(er) or orphan may be different from another. Although they all suffered the same situation- the loss of their loved ones – their situations, circumstances, welfare and problems are not the same.
Having worked among widow(er)s, orphans or those who recently lost their loved ones for several years, we have identified seven (7) forms/types of widowhood.
(1) Earthly widow or widower
This type of widowhood does not involve the death of either of the two partners. The two of them are alive but they live in widowhood. Most people involved in this type of widowhood suffered more than greater percentage of others. The only hope here is that a miracle can still happen since the people involved are still alive. Sources of earthly widowhood-
- Sickness-How do you consider a young faithful and sound person who has his/her partner bed-ridden for several years. There is no financial, moral, emotional, sexual contributions from the other person. Instead, he has continued to be a source of problems for the family John 8
- Incapacitation, Natural/Accidental – Consider the case of a young couple that the spinal-cord of the husband was broken few months after their wedding and they are now in the fifth year of marriage. The woman is a widow!
(c) Not being with a proper husband – Jesus said to the Samaritan woman, you are a widow even though she was married to a man. That which you have is not your husband – John 4:7-20. Some women refer to the man they married as “the father of their children”-such are widows.
(d) Those married to too-distanced husband- Some are in Nigeria and their partners are in America, etc. for several years. Some married secretly to men who could not publicly identify with them. They are widows.
(e) Those who wish to marry but never marry in their lives -Have you seen such people before? They are widows.
What should be the coping strategies for these sets of people?
(2) Aged widow or widower
The biblical injunction about these people is that they should be aged 60 and above-ITim.5:5-7, Ruth 1:12. At one time or the other in our lives, most especially at old age, one of the two partners must first die. The second will become an aged widow. This is what we aIl pray for in life. Some of these widow/ers have great opportunities and they do not need to worry the church or caring organizations like ours in terms of material and financial provisions. They should take their eyes away from the little things we provide for other less-privileged widows since they have children or persons who provide for them.
(3) Widows/ers of Hope
These are young or relatively young widow/ers who desire (hope) to re-marry -Ruth 1:12;I Tim. 5:11-15. Great care and consultation must be taken before such step is taken. How can we help those who needed to re-marry but they find it difficult to decide?
(4) Wealthy Widow/ers
A widow/er who has enough materially-such a person may suffer differently from loneliness, emotional disturbances, isolation and undue neglect and respect. However, such needs to assist other less-privileged widows and organizations that care for such people. He/she should not give him/herself to pleasure, else dies while alive- I Tim. 5:1-6. A good example of a wealthy widow – I Kings 17:9.
(5) Widow/ers without offspring(s)
It is evil enough to be a widow/er, but worse to be without an offspring(s). There are several of such people-I Tim. 5:4. Children are strong coping opportunities available in widowhood. Discuss in detail how you think this set of people can cope spiritually, emotionally, etc.
(6) Young and Determined Widow/ers- I Cor.7:7-9,37.
These are young widow/ers who determined not to marry again. In a church there is a group which once you join, if one loses her husband she will never re-marry. Given the example in Lk 1:36-38, what should be the major focus of such widow/er? Compare with 1Cor. 7:1; 1Tim. 5:6.
(7) Poor Widow/ers
These are widow/ers whose standard of life is below the poverty line (that could not be described) – Lk. 18:1-5; 21:2-3; Mark 12:42-43. We have more than enough poor widow/ers in our neighbourhood. Some and their wards could not boast of regular daily meals. Worse still is the fact that most of them are in serious debt- II King 4:1; Mk. 12:42-43. Discuss the coping opportunities available to this set of widow/ers.
COPING MEANS OF GRACE
In the Christian circle, there are means of Grace which the Lord Almighty has made available to believers. However, widows/ers, orphans for the special favour they enjoy from God have an enhanced means of Grace with which they could cope in their circumstances.
- Mention the means of Grace we have as believers.
- Sometimes when you had been faced with discouragement or a serious situation, which of these means of Grace was of tremendous help to you.
- In widowhood mention some of the coping means of Grace which are available.
CARNALLY MINDED COPING STRATEGIES
Today instead of holding on to these coping means of Grace, several widows/ers, orphans engage some other means to go on in life. Jeremiah described such measures as cistern that cannot hold water. Discuss the following critically and show the likely dangers inherent in such steps.
- Naomi’s strategy- running away from the problem. Ruth1: 1-5,
- Luke 18 widow’s strategy- almost becoming a nuisance to people- Lk. 18:1,5.
- Pleasure-like strategy- I Tim. 5:1-6.
- Ruth first (step) strategy- having a secret lover- Ruth 3 :7-14
- Tamar’s Strategy-Personally-purposed not to look good – Gen. 38. Since the date (d)you decided not to wear good dresses/or look good, how many people have had mercy on you?
- Partial wedding strategy.
GODLY COPING MEANS
God in his wisdom made available certain mechanism with a view to making life worth living for widows, widowers, orphans or those who recently lost their loved ones. As a pelican in the wilderness or a fish out of water, what can make such people cope in their circumstances?
(1) The opportunity for young individuals, grace to remarry.
Examples abound of widows/ers who re-married and all the past sorrow and despair were completely wiped away;
(i) Why do you think many widows/ers do not wish to take up this grace?
(ii) Discuss on how the followings can influence the decision process of a widow/er who wishes to re-marry.
(a) The memory of the past partner- “Can I find somebody who is as good as he/she was”?
(b) Number of children.
(c) Comfort at their former habitation.
(d) Property they had together.
(e) The trauma of having to change her name once again.
(f) Relocation/Job.
(iii) The demanding will of God must be placed far above our personal considerations. I Cor. 7:1, I Tim. 6:5; etc.
(iv) How does a widow/er recognizes that he must remarry?
(v) How many times have you wept secretly after that you were burnt?
(vi) Discuss the helping process available to widow/er who wants to re-marry.
(2) The opportunity of having children
There is a great deal of difference between a widow/er who has child(ren) and the one who has not. Children are a great coping strategy for widows/ers-Ps 127:1-4.
(i) How many children do you have?
(ii) What would have happened to you if you do not have any child?
(iii) Although many of them are troublesome, you still need to thank God that you have someone that can still give you trouble.
(iv) What do you think was the source of comfort for the
widow of Nain after her husband’s death?
(v) Even Solomon despite his 1,000 wives, he had only a son and daughter -that was his major regret in life-Ps.127.
(3) The opportunity of having a personal source of income (job)
Widows/ers who have jobs do not know what great things the jobs are doing in their lives.
(i) The pain in widowhood does not relate to the present alone but more to the future.
(ii) The pain of a widow who must have to sit down at home doing nothing seems longer than those who have working opportunity. YES/NO.
(iii) Discuss how your present work – public or personal – has been of great help to you.
(iv) Lack of having a personal source of income exposes widow/ers to certain dangers – mention them?
(v) Mention some of the petty jobs that a widow/er can be involved in- especially those that do not require much capital.
(vi) The JoyBearers Centre takes this as an important aspect of her works and it has started yielding results.
(4) The opportunity of past participatory involvements in family affairs
We have discovered that several widows today were over-pampered when their husband were alive. The only place they knew while their husbands were alive is the market place. They do not know how to pay electricity bills, house rent, water charges, or where mechanic or vulcanizers or their family bank accounts are.
Discuss how relevant the level of your past family involvement has been of help to you today.
(5) The opportunity of some life line in your family.
(a) Mention some of the possessions you have before the demise of your loved one.
(b) Even though we knew that some of these property are sources of contention after the demise of a partner, please show how important are – house, car, graduate working child(ren) to you now compare with a widow that is being harassed by a landlord.
(c) Must a widow surrender all her family property to her husband’s relatives?
(d) Mention at least two things that you are happy that your partner left behind. How have they been of help to you?
(6) The opportunity of God’s support and means of Grace.
Those who know their God shall be strong and do exploit. That one knew God even before such occurrence is a great coping strategy. Prov. 15:25; Zech. 7:10; Job 29:13; Jer. 49:11.
(a) Even though you did not expect what happened to you could happen to you as a Christian, the fact that you knew God personally must have been of assistance to you.
(b) Mention some of the things an unbelieving widow would want to do as a result of the pain of the death of her husband.
(c) We have the Means of Grace which include prayer, the knowledge of God’s word, the power of evangelism, history of the church (Acts 6), experiences of others that are related to our circumstances, etc. as sources of strength and comfort.
(7) The opportunity of JoyBearers Care Organization and other related individuals or organizations.
(i) JoyBearers Care Organization is a Non-Governmental Christian Organisation that cares for the widow(ers), orphans and those who recently lost their loved ones.
It is not a Church.
(ii) Nobody is sponsoring the organization. It does not rely on government either.
(iii) The organization has been of tremendous help towards widow(ers) and orphans irrespective of their faith or background.
(iv) The organization holds Annual National Conference for Widows(ers). At Akure, Ondo State, Nigeria we hold two hours monthly meeting on every first Wednesday of the month at our office in Isikan, Akure.
(v) Assist widow/ers financially, materially and help in the payment of the school fees of several orphans. But could not do much in view of the high demand for assistance vis-à-vis the meagre financial strength of the organization.
(vi) Mention some of the areas in which you have been helped by the JoyBearers Care Organization or members.
(vii) What areas do you think they should have been of assistance to you and have not?
(8) The opportunity of being alive and having good health.
(1) We must thank God that you are alive today. What would have happened if both of you are not alive today?
(ā) With your present social and financial status, what do you think would have happened if you do not have good health?
(9) The opportunities of good or bad in-laws
Both good and bad in-laws serve their purposes in our lives. Have you noticed this? Tell us briefly the importance of bad-in-laws to a widow.
CONCLUSION
It is our prayer that God will help you to avail all the rich opportunities of the God’s Means of Grace in widowhood. Look for opportunity in every situation. Do not be discouraged. He is able to lead us through.